The Mike Tomlin Press Conference

(Note: This is an homage to Kissing Suzy Kolber, who do this sort of thing all the time)

[After 20 minutes of pushing on a door that says "PULL", Tomlin enters room with a Mad Magazine wrapped in a Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment book cover]

Tomlin: This week, our defense atrophied in the 4th quarter the likes of which I've never seen. Ike Taylor's interceptational abilities are an undesired and unwanted solution to my desired perpetuation of the offense's skillfullness to move the ball horizontally. And dat one interception by Ben was thrown into tri-defender coverage - he was trying to make a splash play and it turned into a cataclysm of unforeseen and nonfortunate events. Questions?

Reporter #1: What's the status on William Gay?

Tomlin: William sustained a sudden impact to his Medulla Oblongata. A hematomal bypass, if you will. [pauses, purses lips] uhh... I doubt he'll be a contributing factor to this Thursday's contest.

Reporter #2: What's the status on Troy Polamalu for this Thursday's game against Cleveland?

Tomlin: Troy's availability is still a great unquantified level of agreement between us. The knee has been downgraded in quality. It's resisting our medical attempts to improve its condition.

Reporter #3: How do you feel about your chances in making the playoffs?

Tomlin: The playoffs are a mysterious and unforeseen turn of events that may be brought on only by an immediate end to our uneventful forays into the athletic forum. At this point, our non-exemplary reactions to an offensive stimulus are lackluster, and are the main source of our anguish.

Reporter #4: Why did you go for it on that one 4th down play instead of kicking the field goal?

Tomlin: [sharts] Oooh, a gastrointestinal infarction of undesired odor from my turgid small intestine. I require an outfit transitional period, starting immediately henceforth. [Exits room walking gingerly]

Mike Tomlinism #3

http://post-gazette.com/pg/09342/1019170-66.stm

"It's appropriate at this point to acknowledge we have an undesirable pattern of behavior, which produces a series of outcomes that are not what we're looking for"

Translation: We have a few people who aren't hungry enough and we lost.

All he had to do was throw in a "paradigm" and "mindset" and he would've covered all his cliche bases.

Mike Tomlinism #2

http://post-gazette.com/pg/09335/1017486-66.stm

"We will unleash hell in December". Oh, really? Ah, so you've been waiting the last three weeks before unleashing hell. I get it. Makes perfect sense.

Also, In addition to completely botching the Ben Roethlisberger situation this week, the explanation as to why Ben was the #3 quarterback was completely retarded:

"I had no other options. I didn't have time nor energy to provide snaps for a disaster quarterback. I had enough issues."

You could've risked your 100 million quarterback's head because you didn't have time? It's not like you're the one handing off. Also, I don't understand how Ben can pass all of the neurological tests, but is not cleared to play at the last second. Sounds like Ben got cold feet and they used a semi-fabricated doctor's excuse to act like they're taking it out of Ben's hands to me. I don't blame him for not playing, but I wish he wouldn't have Brett Favred at the last second.

Mike Tomlinism #1

I've always felt that Mike Tomlin was a BS artist that is perfect for corporate management. He'd feel right at home using meaningless marketing-speak such as Ideation, paradigm, and "crossing the chasm". I always see examples of this, and I figured that I'd start tracking some of them.

Today's word: misconnect -> http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09322/1014272-66.stm

In Sunday's game, Ben Roethlisberger could not connect with his receivers on several deep balls. Did Ben underthrow the routes? Did the receiver run the wrong route to begin with? No! The were just "misconnects". Ah, makes perfect sense.

Fantasy Football 2009: Team Blumpkin Pie

So, here's my fantasy football roster for this year, in order of how I drafted them (# pick overall):
1. (6) Drew Brees
Brees was my keeper from last season, where he racked up the #1 score overall, throwing to the likes of Pierre Thomas. Hopefully, this year Reggie Bush will not hurt his knee climbing Mount Kardashian Ass and he'll do even better. I'll bet his mole on it!

2. (19) Randy Moss
With his BFF Tom Brady back, Moss is poised to have a big season. That's a bingo!




3. (30) Reggie Bush
Soooo talented... soooo frail. Made in Taiwan. It's a good sign that he has lots of games on turf and/or good weather this year. Should score a ton. Oh, and he should have a lot of touchdowns too.


4. (43) Ronnie Brown
Runs the Wildcat, and I don't mean Goldie Hawn. He was the best available RB in the 4th round and I've heard good reports about him being healthy. May challenge Wesley Snipes as the blackest man alive.


5. (54) Marshawn Lynch
When arriving in Buffalo, was disappointed "Bills" meant Buffalo. Hoping to lead the league in Ho Punchin'. Is suspended for the first 3 games of the year, but after that I expect him to explode on the scene... or get arrested, one or the other.

6. (67) Brandon Marshall
Pissy little baby with good hands. With our league adding .5 point per catch, this should help out. Seems like a steal in the 6th round, but we'll see if he mopes his way onto my s&*t list. Josh McDaniels' master plan of destroying one of the best offensive teams in the league is almost complete.

7. (78) Minnesota
Note to the Vikings D line - read the effing label! Have been solid performers in the past, and the Minnesota ball-possession offense with Peterson should help. Unless old hillbilly 'I'm playing the position the way it's meant to be played' Favre throws picks all day.

8. (91) Owen Daniels
Had him last year; Couldn't find the endzone with a Garmin. But, the .5 PPC, should help.




9. (102) Tim Hightower
Loved him in the Police Academy movies. Is now #1 on the depth chart with Edge gone off to the senior center and he having beaten out Beanie Wells. That's good, because if you lose your starting job to someone named Beanie, maybe it's time to hang it up. I've been hearing good things, so I'll keep my hopes up.

10. (115) Joe Flacco
Unibrowtastic wonder in 1st season. Plays in a ball-possession offense, which isn't good. Good defense might help them get the ball more often. Should be a solid backup for me if Brees' mole turns on him.


11. (126...) Rob Bironas
Can't hear this name without hearing the song My Sharona in my head. So, he's got that going for him... which is nice.

12. (139) Domenik Hixon. After hearing reports that he can't catch a cold in the preseason and was in danger of losing his starting job, I dropped him and picked up Josh Morgan of the 49ers, who, I've heard is a great sleeper pick. Hopefully Coach Mike Singletary will use the pants dropping technique to motive the men this year.

13. (150) Seattle
I like the idea of having two defenses so that I can always play the one defense that happens to be playing the Lions.