The Mike Tomlin Press Conference

(Note: This is an homage to Kissing Suzy Kolber, who do this sort of thing all the time)

[After 20 minutes of pushing on a door that says "PULL", Tomlin enters room with a Mad Magazine wrapped in a Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment book cover]

Tomlin: This week, our defense atrophied in the 4th quarter the likes of which I've never seen. Ike Taylor's interceptational abilities are an undesired and unwanted solution to my desired perpetuation of the offense's skillfullness to move the ball horizontally. And dat one interception by Ben was thrown into tri-defender coverage - he was trying to make a splash play and it turned into a cataclysm of unforeseen and nonfortunate events. Questions?

Reporter #1: What's the status on William Gay?

Tomlin: William sustained a sudden impact to his Medulla Oblongata. A hematomal bypass, if you will. [pauses, purses lips] uhh... I doubt he'll be a contributing factor to this Thursday's contest.

Reporter #2: What's the status on Troy Polamalu for this Thursday's game against Cleveland?

Tomlin: Troy's availability is still a great unquantified level of agreement between us. The knee has been downgraded in quality. It's resisting our medical attempts to improve its condition.

Reporter #3: How do you feel about your chances in making the playoffs?

Tomlin: The playoffs are a mysterious and unforeseen turn of events that may be brought on only by an immediate end to our uneventful forays into the athletic forum. At this point, our non-exemplary reactions to an offensive stimulus are lackluster, and are the main source of our anguish.

Reporter #4: Why did you go for it on that one 4th down play instead of kicking the field goal?

Tomlin: [sharts] Oooh, a gastrointestinal infarction of undesired odor from my turgid small intestine. I require an outfit transitional period, starting immediately henceforth. [Exits room walking gingerly]

Mike Tomlinism #3

http://post-gazette.com/pg/09342/1019170-66.stm

"It's appropriate at this point to acknowledge we have an undesirable pattern of behavior, which produces a series of outcomes that are not what we're looking for"

Translation: We have a few people who aren't hungry enough and we lost.

All he had to do was throw in a "paradigm" and "mindset" and he would've covered all his cliche bases.

Mike Tomlinism #2

http://post-gazette.com/pg/09335/1017486-66.stm

"We will unleash hell in December". Oh, really? Ah, so you've been waiting the last three weeks before unleashing hell. I get it. Makes perfect sense.

Also, In addition to completely botching the Ben Roethlisberger situation this week, the explanation as to why Ben was the #3 quarterback was completely retarded:

"I had no other options. I didn't have time nor energy to provide snaps for a disaster quarterback. I had enough issues."

You could've risked your 100 million quarterback's head because you didn't have time? It's not like you're the one handing off. Also, I don't understand how Ben can pass all of the neurological tests, but is not cleared to play at the last second. Sounds like Ben got cold feet and they used a semi-fabricated doctor's excuse to act like they're taking it out of Ben's hands to me. I don't blame him for not playing, but I wish he wouldn't have Brett Favred at the last second.