[After 20 minutes of pushing on a door that says "PULL", Tomlin enters room with a Mad Magazine wrapped in a Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment book cover]
Tomlin: This week, our defense atrophied in the 4th quarter the likes of which I've never seen. Ike Taylor's interceptational abilities are an undesired and unwanted solution to my desired perpetuation of the offense's skillfullness to move the ball horizontally. And dat one interception by Ben was thrown into tri-defender coverage - he was trying to make a splash play and it turned into a cataclysm of unforeseen and nonfortunate events. Questions?
Reporter #1: What's the status on William Gay?
Tomlin: William sustained a sudden impact to his Medulla Oblongata. A hematomal bypass, if you will. [pauses, purses lips] uhh... I doubt he'll be a contributing factor to this Thursday's contest.
Reporter #2: What's the status on Troy Polamalu for this Thursday's game against Cleveland?
Tomlin: Troy's availability is still a great unquantified level of agreement between us. The knee has been downgraded in quality. It's resisting our medical attempts to improve its condition.
Reporter #3: How do you feel about your chances in making the playoffs?
Tomlin: The playoffs are a mysterious and unforeseen turn of events that may be brought on only by an immediate end to our uneventful forays into the athletic forum. At this point, our non-exemplary reactions to an offensive stimulus are lackluster, and are the main source of our anguish.
Reporter #4: Why did you go for it on that one 4th down play instead of kicking the field goal?
Tomlin: [sharts] Oooh, a gastrointestinal infarction of undesired odor from my turgid small intestine. I require an outfit transitional period, starting immediately henceforth. [Exits room walking gingerly]
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